Not going home for the holidays is the last phase of cutting the umbilical cord. What the fuck am I doing in my hometown? There are no more familiar faces. Everything has changed and it just makes me feel old. I should be sitting in my apartment in LA watching people stuck at the airport, laughing at their pain.
That’s what I love to do. I mean, I love to help too. But when it’s on TV, I love to laugh.
Ellen starts crying about her dog and I just laugh and then scream at my TV. "THAT’S WHAT YOU GET, YA DUMB BITCH!" Which of course makes absolutely no sense at all. But that doesn’t stop me from yelling at her.
Ahhhhh…who gives a fuck.
None of it makes sense. It’s all fuckin stupid. So that’s why I don’t care. I really wanted to go out and get drunk tonight but no one called me back. Now I feel lonely. I wish this were being filmed so you could laugh at me. Cause it’s funny. Pain is funny, as long as you don’t care or it’s happening to someone else.
Whenever I watch reality shows and people are crying about something that hurt them, it always makes me laugh.
"THAT’S WHAT YOU GET! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR GIVING A FUCK, YOU WEIRD LOOKIN’ BASTARD!"
It’s not that I don’t have empathy. The empathy is the laughing. Actually I don’t know what it is. I’m not happy when bad things happen to people, but for some reason, I always laugh.
The first time I consciously noticed it, was when I went to go see that movie ’Slingblade’. The movie theater was packed and I was on a date. Everything was fine until the part where Dwight Yokam’s character grabbed that guy in the wheelchair and zoomed him out of his house. The whole theater got quiet, but I was fuckin’ roaring. At which point, everyone around me looked at me like I was a psycho.
And I wanted to be like, "I’m laughing cause I KNOW that dude. I grew up with a guy like that. I’ve been that guy getting zoomed out of the house." It still doesn’t make sense as to why it strikes me as funny. But I can’t help it.
Kids crying makes me laugh too. If I ever actually saw a kid drop his ice cream and start crying, I think I would have a hernia trying to hold the laughter in. I mean, I would still feel bad for him and buy the kid another ice cream, but I would still be laughing my ass off.
"Get used to kid. There’s going to be a lot more where that came from."
I’m old enough to have a 16 year old son.
I wish they still fought in the NHL. They should bring back the old divisions and get rid of all those bullshit southern teams. I wish it was 20 years ago, and I could get a case of Haffenreffers and head into the old Boston Garden and watch Jay Miller fight Chris Nilan. Those were the days. Cam would get a hat trick. The old Adams division.
Montreal
Boston
Quebec
Buffalo
Hartford.
You could fuckin’ drive to all the away games. Why didn’t I ever do that?
Now you go to a game and every time there is a stoppage of play, they got those fuckin’ 17 year old girls, in glitter cat suits, skating out onto the rink to clear off the excess shavings. I don’t know what they’re called, but I refer to them as ice whores. And I always heckle them.
"FOR CHRIST SAKE HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELVES!!!!!!!!! STAY IN SCHOOL!!!! STAY IN SCHOOOOOOLLLL!!!!!
When the ice whores are done, they always do the "beauty pageant wave" as they skate out of the rink. Most people cheer during that part, but I always boo. Some people give me dirty looks, but the ones who laugh….I see it in their eyes…
"That’s what you get…"
PT 4 NEXT THURSDAY
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
My Name is Stan - Part 3
DECEMBER 22ND 2007
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9 comments:
well Bill did you see the STARS - BRUINS game the other week? HOly shit . that used to be how it was all the time. WTF happend?
If hockey gets any more like basketball im killing myself.
Although i enjoyed the celtics championship =)
bruins are going deep this year.
Danieldigitalmedia@yahoo.com
hrm.....no west coast bookings that I could see. Bill book a west coaster so I can laugh my ass off!
Holy Hell ...
"Pain is funny, as long as you don’t care or it’s happening to someone else."
... That is going to become my new personal slogan because it is fucking brilliant.
Until this moment, my old personal slogan used to be "It's just good baseball strategy" which I got from this fantastic story.
But now I think I'm gonna have to change it ... though I think I'll hold on to the old one, 'cause you never know when you might need to pull it out.
Bill. I am slumped over the seat in front of me at the stars game laughing at the anthem being sung by the crowd. I just love that we all mumble the national anthem and when it gets to the part where you get to say the word "star" 50k people yell it like it is tradition and then mumble the rest of the anthem... Now that is almost as hilarious as the fact that DALLAS has more hockey leagues then any other city in the world! NO SHIT! you get a bunch of rich fucks together and we can take over a sport...
OH YEAH! You need to belong to http://hockeyfights.com/ to keep up with not only the fights but the stats of the fights as well... All wrapped up into one nice near location!
Better shout out to Jason Reinhardt for that one...
Jr
Gotta post now dude.
My son Justin was born in 1995 with a severe heart deformity. His mama and he were life flighted to San Bernadino County Loma Linda to wait for a heart donor (somebody elses kid had to die, sorry!).
It was on TV Spring 95 barely visible spliced between the "major" stories of OJ and the Oklahoma Bombing. Great choices media moguls.
Justin got a heart and was a freaky little cyborg but we love/d him. He monoplized 10 years of my wife, his brother and sister and my time dragging him to varied and sundry tortures invented by sadists in hospital dungeons.
I mastered Crash Bandicoot but he still beat me months at a time in hospitals while they tried to get his immune system to try and stop shooting his frankenheart out his ass like a festering splinter.
I administered the drugs ZEE DOKTORs slung at us; thousands of tax dollars a month to slowly poison my son 10cc at a time.
When I inquired about maybe getting him some vitamins they looked at me with blank stares. When I gave him home grown marihuana at the advice of a local cop they put me in jail and took my kids away. He sat in the hospital for 5 days the week before Christmas of '04 while mom and dad were in jail being accused of terrorist activities crying at age 8 because he had never been alone in his life.
I am no cunt; I run my own business and when he was in the hospital I was there with the playstation. $2 million later we're broke and he's dead. Why?
Because of the hardness of my heart, your heart and the rest of this race.
Men start Families that build fortunes, create empires, inbreed and become narcissistic elitst rulers. We the People Rise up and revolt and create another pyramid structure and the ones at the top become the ones they murdered.
You laugh at pain because if you allowed God to soften your heart, you would break out bawling like a baby every time you see or even hear about human suffering, and there is so much going on so often that (especially in big cities) to BE HUMAN like THAT is almost suicidal.
I say almost because I received the power of God thru the death of my little angel Justin. I spent 20 minutes doing CPR on his cold lips before the paramedics pulled me off him. Why?
Because selfish dick bastards (just like you and I) made pot illegal, or didn't fight to have it legal, so kids of all ages are dying under the medical system of greed and torture from toxic side effects of pharma corp HIPOCRAT DRUG DEALING DOCTORS. Repent sinners in the USA; we aren't going to hell; we live here.
WTF do you have to be depressed about you are a successful stand-up; I'd give a testicle to be you (not really).
Seriously tho folks...this is a true story but point is the beat goes on. people live and die, so what is your view or 'faith' in on the really big question?
"WTF happens when we die?"
It wasn't until I had proof of the answer to this question (freely provided by a hotel Gideon's bible) that I could be at peace with all the peripherals. I mean if you have the big picture of your REAL problem in focus (can I get out of hell) the problems of a few billion humans are really well, moot.
Like NEO in the Matrix we have to realize it is an illusion. That is the first scary part like the bad acid trip we just want to come down right; NEO is in denial "I am not in hell...this is not real..or is it..but.." thought cycles like this make alcoholics and suicides, right Heath?
SO we begin to see thru it and scared as hell we freak out and cry or laugh or...hopefully nothing more violent.
Now we're really fucked eh? If reality is adjustable and we're creating it as we go (I know I lost most of you there, play along; imagine) we can't handle the responsibility. It's too much; fuck that let God sort em out as Duke Nuken says!!
So we finally come to it; God has to handle it not me. Whew that was close! OK now the picture changes; if God is controlling the Matrix we are kewl we can relax and smoke a fatty and sip a glass of cheap Champagne (I recommend Andre Cold Duck, $4.29 - almost put the ' on Andre but...naaah!).
Well there you are buddy you just found God. Now that you found Him, are you going to thank Him for all the abundance we have and a life and opportunity to live and breathe and love and eat and drinka dn smoke and travel and bitch about life for pay?
I'm a preacher and you're a stand-up; we're in the same business. I make people uncomfortable and look at their selfish asses and cry; you make people uncomfortable and look at their selfish asses and laugh til they cry. I'm just impaient and lazy or I'd be a stand-up. I skip the "laugh til they" step which requires real work writing jokes.
Either way son you're called of God and doing His bidding now. I don't mean some secret Masonic Government spook telling you what material you CAN'T use like they did to me, I mean the real McCoy; the big guy, the man upstairs, the guy nwho tells the aliens which antioques they can crash where to give the good guys a technology boost in the wars.
Yah that guy.
peace and love, Rev. Willy Matthews
MySpace.com/EastDenverMM
1 more thing to avoid lawsuits - God is both neither male and nor female, I see/speak of Him as guy because, well I don't like to pray about my problematic dick that won't lie down at the wrong times to a chick, OK?
However I would be remiss after studying theology for decades to reiterate the obvious fact that aside from the hips, holes and danglers, men and women are 95% the same; we're human.
Only in aloneness and humility can we face God and truly bawl like an insane howling monkey quitting Meth cold turkey naked and shivering in a concrete anbd steel single man jailcell in the basement of Oakland County Jail like I did...But that's what you get for being Henry Ford's bastard test tube son; they let the CIA do LSD tests on you until you're buying industrial earplugs by the gross to keep your brains inside your head, and you live in a VAN by the RIVER!!! Oh they found their super-soldier...(erie music in the background - fuck spelling eierrieiee!!) but he wouldn't play BALL!
Ayway moral of story; Like Martin Luther I studied religion and debated the best of them for 25 years. Like he I went insane. Keep it Simple, Love truth , science (God) and REALLY PROACTIVELY FORWARD-PAYINGLY love people. Did you ever tell a joke for free or sign an autograph?
You see love is so selfish we miss out on it. For Example, say at a friend's house, his 4 year old daughter comes up:
We think "Man that little girl is so cute...OMG, she is coming over. Shit, what do I do?"
kid toddles over and jumps on your lap. She is soft and warm and she is amazingly beautiful; there is not a flaw on her face and she is almost pretty. You shake it off thinking "God you're a perv".
Maybe she is wiggling (maybe; have you ever held a 4 year old!?!) and you are looking at cousin Sally and think.."wait it moved! OMG I have a little girl on my lap, shit they'll lynch me" so you toss her down and stand up; OMG IO think she wet herself. and whip off to the bathroom and look in the mirror wondering why you don't kill yourself.
Se we screw up; why not hold the little muffin close and look in her eyes and say "You are so beautiful little lady; and a wiggler; where do you get the energy?" Focus on her eyes and let her soul touch yours and ignore the little fireman. If necessary go into the bathroom and do the flip but get back to that little girl quick.
Ok either way you're back in the chair and you pick yup Sally jr. and put her soft little chubby wiggly ass right down on your lap and look into her eyes and begin to talk to her like she was a conscious human being like yourslef with all the IQ points; in fact many more since she has not yet been programmed with all the multitudinous viri of negativity we program our children with creating this race of drones.
You let her love you.
No vagina involved, she just coos and touches your face gently and pulls off your glasses and kisses your ugly, lined, hard, bristly mugg. The waterworks turn on and brother just let it go.
Hand her to Sally Sr. and run to the farthest corner of the basement, grab a pillow and fill it with snot buddy. You're growing new brain cells; its natural.
Otherwise you STAY a CUNT and NEVER GET ANY REAL LOVE. I have been married to the same beautiful (now thicker) retarded psycho sista for 20 years. We absolutely ignore each other most of the time; it's great! We each have full lives, and when we have a need we get frisky and man it is exponentially better now than the best BJ-Fuck I had in the rock-n-roll days with a geourgeous whore that lasted 2 days and covered 2 counties...(hi 5).
From Your Canton Friend
Stephen Sharp! BILL WTF GO! I was watching tv one night while I was away at work and saw you but never knew what you name was. FUNNY thing is I recognized you but couldnt put a name to the face. Then they said your name and I said "No Way" could it be. Then I googled you and got a WikiPedia article and YEP it was you from Washington Street in Canton,MA! This is your pal from Kingsbury Road in Canton, MA. We played together as 10 year olds at your Washington Street house. You remember like Jerry Burke, Eddie, Donald Dugan, and those dudes? I rememember the days of riding our bike to "Lil White Store" LMAO! Fek those days! HeHe!
I am a pilot for US Airways now married to a lovely person with one little girl who is 8. You my freind are an awesome comedian! Living in Daytona Beach now and would love to come see you. Let me know when you will be in FL! Will definately buy some tix!
Please drop me an email when you have a chance! WTFG! You ever need an airline buddy pass to travel in USA let me know!
Sincerely,
Stephen C. Sharp
US Airways
SharpLab@EarthLink.net
William.
With you on bringing back the Adams division. You even had the most common ranking of teams in that division at any given season's end. What's with the guy ranting on about God and such. I feel for him and his son, but c'mon. It's not pain like his that makes you laugh, it's pain happening to people who feel entitled to be pain free, and end up doing stupid ignorant shit that gets them in pain. And that IS funny (at least initially).
Hoping to see more blogs. They all make me laugh. You are a psycho. Hit south florida one of these days mate.
Cheers.
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