Is that?

I was walking in mid-town Manhattan today and I'm pretty sure I saw Billie Jean King. I was going to say hello, but I was afraid that it wasn't her. Then I'd have to be like, "Oh, I thought you were a 60 year old lesbian, who won Wimbledon 32 years ago. My fault." Which then would have created an unnecessary argument.

I figure that later on that night, some poor bastard would have to sit on a couch lying to his wife. "No sweetheart, you look nothing like Billie Jean King. You look like…."
FUCK….THINK!!!!! WHO'S A HOT HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS WITH SHORT BLACK HAIR IN HER 30'S THAT WON'T PISS MY WIFE OFF, IF I USE HER AS A REFERENCE?

"Ahh…Wynonna Ryder?"

WYNONNA RYDER?!??!!!!

WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? YOU'RE OLD AND YOU HAVE A BIG HEAD. YOU LOOK LIKE BILLIE JEAN KING!!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO? I LOOK LIKE ED ASNER, YOU DON'T SEE ME CRYING ON A COUCH!!! ……Honey wait….I didn't mean that…I just got upset…honey WAIT!…I'M SORRY!!!!!"


That whole situation reminded me of those celebrity look-a-like things you see on myspace. If you haven't come across one, it's basically a pie chart that states what amalgam of famous people you look like. And no matter how fucked up some of these people look, the end result is always the same, "According to the chart, I'm 60% Halle Berry, 17% Jessica Simpson, 20% Eva Longoria…"


I'm always tempted to leave a comment: "Oh yeah, I can see that. At first I couldn't, but then I realized that all of you have noses, and then it became apparent. How come you don't have an agent."

I understand it though. They couldn't have an honest pie chart. It would devastate people. "Your 15% Maude, 45% Present Day Elizabeth Taylor, with just a dash of LaWanda Page"

To be honest, I would never have the nerve to plug my name in there. First of all, there have only been like 5 famous red headed dudes since I've been a kid, none of whom you really want to look like. Donny Most, Ron Howard, Eric Stolz…etc. So my breakdown would be something like, "60% Ralph Malph, 45% Ritchie Cunningham, and a heaping spoon of that kid from the Mask."

That would have fucked me up. Which is why I didn't say anything to Billie Jean King today. Even though I'm a huge sports fan, I still didn't say shit. I missed an opportunity to say a quick "What's up" to a winner of 12 Majors. Bitch won on all three surfaces, has a career Grand Slam and I didn't say anything cause I didn't want to ruin someone's day.

Actually, I just didn't want to deal with the three second awkward feeling I would have had, after I found out it wasn't her. And once I walked away, I can't see myself giving a fuck about the rest of the mistaken person's day and anyone that's in her life. I don't know that whore. See? Now I have to be dick. Now I have to lash out at this complete stranger or possibly the real Billie Jean King, cause I blew it.

This whole thing might seem weird to you. But you have to understand that I only give a shit about famous people from the mid sixties to about 1994. In my world, anyone famous after that, is just someone who's younger than me, with a lot more money. Fuck Kobe Bryant. I'd rather meet Andrew Tony.

So in order to gracefully bow out of this blog, I'm going to end with a pie chart of Billie Jean's Championships vs my TV resume. Sort of a battle of the sexes re-match. (Just for the record, Bobby Riggs was like 106 when she beat him. Check it out on Classic Sports. She might as well have played Larry from the Three Stooges. But such is life as a woman. Sure you bleed from the crotch once a month, but you tee off 15 yards in front of me. So as long as Billie wasn't on her period, there was no way that she wasn't going to win. My point is, I could have a bake off right now with Julia Child, serve a cold pop tart and win. See what I'm saying? Fuck all of you. In my world it makes sense. Plus you wanted more blogs this year so I don't have time for quality control.)

Anyway here are the final stats. I think she wins in straight sets.

Billie Jean VS Billie Burr

6 Wimbledon 3 Comic View
4 US Open 2 Letterman
1 French Open 2 Conan O'Brien
1 Australian Open 1 I love the 80's