Who Will Protect You?

I was recently given a gift that would enable me to watch my TV wherever I go. All I have to do is sync this mechanism up to my TV, Phone, and Computer and next thing you know, I can watch Animal Planet while sitting in the upper deck of Controlthewatersupply.com Field.

How cool is that? I think it's awesome. I believe in the future every human will have one of those, "I broke my neck but somehow I can still walk" halos drilled into his/her skull, with a video I-Pod mounted six inches in front of his/her face and an optional drool cup to be mounted under the chin.

Every TV series, every movie, and every youtube video will all be available to watch at any moment. Maybe they will be able to sync it up to your brain and all you would have to do is think of the show you wanted to watch and it would then magically appear.

And instead of having conversations, you will simply select dialogue from any of the three sources and then use said clip to convey your feelings.

For example: If someone wanted to ask me how I was doing, they would just select audio of a Mike Douglas/Bill Bixby interview. Then I would respond with my own sound bytes.

Mike Douglas – "How you doing Bill?"
Tony Montana – "Fack you mang."
Carrie Bradshaw – "But you're doing so well."
Jack Nicholson "The Departed" - "That's called a paradox."


When we arrive at this level of advancement, we won't have to waste time having conversations. Then we could spend our quality time focusing on more important things in the future like: How to turn an Office Max desk into a canoe while fighting off a polar bear.

I'm in an extra cynical mood today because I was reading about NYC's plans to make it a greener city. All it consisted of were a bunch of scams to get more money. One of the bright ideas was to charge cars 8 dollars to come into the city during the hours of 6AM to 6PM. This is supposed to help ease the traffic/pollution problems in Manhattan.

People are already paying 6 bucks to drive in. So I'm to believe that in order to avoid a two-dollar surcharge, people are going to jump on a train and fight for a seat, with a bunch of other douche bags. And then spend the rest of the day worrying about what time the last train heads out of town, instead of just paying the fee and riding in the comfort of their own car? That's never going to happen.

The only decent proposal they had, was to plant more trees. Other than that, they weren't asking people to change their lifestyles one bit. It just was full steam ahead with fucking your brains out and filling up your Excursion with more rug rats. That's the kind of forward thinking that makes me want to learn the skill of being able to start a fire without a match.

I think that's really the next step you need to take in order to survive as a human in the future. Fuck learning about computers and all this techno shit. You need to kick it old school. Learn how to kill a rabbit, skin it and cook it over a fire that you started with two rocks and some dead accountants spreadsheet.

Learn what berries to eat and take some self-defense classes, so you can protect yourself, when a clan of former plumbers comes over the hill, lead by a barely recognizable Michael Richards.

When the whole world goes to shit, the first six months will be the most critical. I think it will take at least three days for the average person to stop waiting for Will Smith to show up. During this time, if you can just get your ass out into the wilderness, you could then sit on a hill and watch the apocalypse play itself out.

The greatest thing about the Apocalypse will be instant Abs. Nothing gets you cut faster than the total collapse of society.
Granted most of us will end up looking like Tom Hanks in that movie he made with the soccer ball, but I still think there are going to be a lot of hotties running around.

God what bad fuckin' time to be famous: The End of the World.
There's going to be a lot of US Magazine hate fucks going down.

"Hey Carl, what's up man?"
"Funny you should ask. Me and my Clan of former cell phone salesmen just had forced sex with one of the chicks on Friends" "Nice, I just broke Larry King's glasses. Hey do you know how to make a sling shot out of suspenders?"

Anyway, so that's what I'm thinking about today: The end of the fucking world. All the signs are there. I just heard another jumbo jet pass over my building, making that hole just a little bigger. We are one nice day into the spring season, and it's already uncomfortably hot.

But despite this, I'm more interested in the fact that Alec Baldwin left an angry message on his daughter's cell phone. I watched every clip I could find, even though he didn't say anything that out of the ordinary. Even though my parents said shit ten times worse to me when I was a kid. AND even though I fuckin' deserved it cause by the time I was in the sixth grade I thought I knew everything. Despite all that, I just sat there and watched the reports for hours. Letting another opportunity to learn how to start a fire with two staplers and the residue from a three-hole punch slip away.