Dr. Bill

Dr. Bill

I'm sick of people telling me that I'm angry. "Dude you are an angry guy man." The amount of times I hear that during any given weekend is incredible. Telling me that I'm angry is like telling P-Diddy, his mouth is still open even when he's not speaking. The point doesn't even need to be made.

Yet, I hear it all the time. "Dude you're angry." "You're angry." "YOU, are an angry man." I don't even know how to respond to that. It's like "I know I'm angry. I'm there when the shit happens. Do you think I'm walking around feeling as though I'm some ray of fuckin' sunshine? Cause I'm not. So why don't you SHUT THE FUCK UP..."…and then the anger comes.

I have to be happier. Not cause I want to make a change, it's more so I can stop having that conversation. My life has become a never-ending episode of Dr. Phil: One person after another just stating the obvious. "You're angry."

For the record I find Dr. Phil to be a genius. He gives out advice that anyone could come up with, but he says it R-E-A-L-L-Y S-L-O-W, with a hint of volume, while leaning forward. When you combine that perfect storm of bullshit, it appears as though he is saying something profound. Then you throw in his slight Southern accent and you got yourself a hit show. It's beautiful.

"YOU–NEED–TO–STOP-SPENDING-TIME-AT-THE-TRACK (dramatic pause) AND-START-SPENDING-TIME-WITH-YOUR-WIFE!" (Applause break) "Ok when we get back I'm going to tell a coke head to STOP-DOING-COKE (pause) AND-START-RAISING-HIS-CHILDREN."

I bet back in the day, he was sitting in his office, listening to some
Douche bag go on and on about his childhood. He probably started staring out the window going "What am I doing? This is my life? I'm just going to sit here and listen to people bitch all day? There has to be a way to do this, make millions of dollars and bang some whores afterwards. God, where can I get in front of a sea of doe-eyed optimists that still believe in Christmas? God Damn it, I have to get on Oprah! Fuck analysis, I'll just tell 'em what they want to hear. Keep it simple. YOU-NEED-TO GET-A-BETTER-HUSBAND! I'll make MILLIONS! I'M OUTTA HERE!"

And he did it. So good for him. See? There was a happy positive thought about Dr. Phil. So I'm not all about the anger. Good for Dr. Phil. Good for him. I hope he makes millions more and never gets roped into a sex scandal involving inappropriate touching with an audience member.

Actually I don't even think I'm that angry. It's just that anger is my default emotion. When something breaks I don't get philosophical and go, "Gee why did that happen? Is this a sign from above telling me that I shouldn't have an IPOD?" I say, "Oh WHAT THE FUCK! Why is the back of this 300 dollar device mad out of fuckin' aluminum? I KNOW WHY! BECAUSE WHEN YOU DROP IT, YOU HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER ONE! FUCKIN' CUNTS!" I don't think that's too weird.

Not to mention, I think there are a lot of angry people out there that don't get called on it. Calling me on being angry is a no brainer. But what about Jerry Seinfeld? People see his act and say, "His act is about nothing." I don't get that when I see Jerry Seinfeld. I see a guy who has contempt for people. If you really listen to him, or watch his show, you'll see that he thinks the average every day person is a fuckin' moron. But he doesn't say it that way. He just says, WHY, do people blah blah blah." But you know when the moment that inspired the joke happened, in real life, he was like, WHY- are you -SUCH FUCKIN' ASSHOLE?"

If you look at the people he goes after in his show, most of them are people who are in the service industry. Cab drivers, maitre-des, people who ladle soup: To him they are all fuckin morons. Not to mention, he hangs out with the always warm and fuzzy Michael Richards.

Or what about Jim Carrey? The first time I saw Jim Carrey, he was being described as crazy and wacky. I thought that was hilarious. Just because you're bent over, talking out of your asshole, going, "Allllrighty then!", doesn't mean you don't think about smashing a lamp over someone's head. Granted I don't know the guy, but when I saw him my first thought was, "This guy wants to jump out of his own skin. He hates himself. And all that fucked up energy he's letting out, is still not filling the void and he's knows it."

Wow, this is what it's come to. I'm now pointing out other people who I feel are angry to get the attention off of me, while doing my own Dr. Phil analogy of people I've never met. Nice. I think this is a new low for me. Usually I don't bottom out in a new year until about June. I'm way ahead of schedule for 2007.

The reality is i know I'm a psycho. Not a body parts in a meat locker kind of psycho. I'm more of a twenty-five minute conversation with my television kind of psycho. I used to tell myself that it was normal and it was how I got material. But the chatter with inannimate objects is increasing on a daily basis. I need to get a fuckin' dog or something. That would be a nice bridge towards slowly getting along with other humans. Start with a toaster, move up to fish, then get some sort of mammal, and then reintroduce myself to the herd at a food court.

Food courts actually make me lose my shit. Just watching everyone there eating shit food and not questioning why they are doing it, drives me nuts. The only peaceful thought I have in a food court is, "Well if they continue to eat this crap, they're all going to die soon and maybe that will help clear up some of the traffic."

I'm going to get a bulldog. That's a great dog. Just sit there and chill in my apartment. And rather than talk to the TV, I'm going to talk to the dog about the shit on the TV. You know, I just reread the previous sentence. I have to get my shit together.

Alright, fuck this. No wait…What I meant to say was, "Just a moment…" Ahhhhhhhhhhh. I feel better already. This is going to be the new me. Pleasant. I am not going to lose my composure anymore. I am going to be a rational human being who responds in times of strife with logic, rather than emotion. It will be a complete makeover of my on stage persona. In fact, I have a wonderful story to tell all my beautiful blog readers with my new pleasant self for 2007.

When I went to the airport yesterday, to fly down to the gorgeous city of Atlanta, I left my cell phone in the cab. Gosh darn it. I just paid $325 dollars for that apparatus. (Hands on hips) Boy oh boy, was that inconvenient.
So I decided to call my cell phone, in hopes that a good Samaritan would have found the phone, and would only be too happy to return it to it's rightful owner. Holy heck was I surprised when no one answered the phone. Golly, that person must have sure been busy. Wow-wee-wow, sometimes a guy just can't catch a break.

Well (chuckle) that's what you have insurance for. (shrug)
Besides, I'm sure I'll run into Jason Bonham at a Guitar Center again, and be able to get another photo. But even if I don't, you know what they say, "As long as you have your health, everything is A.O.K." I hope all of you have a wonderful and fulfilling 2007, I'm off to fill out a police report for my lost cell phone. Too-da-loo.

All my best
William