My Name is Stan - Part 3

DECEMBER 22ND 2007

Not going home for the holidays is the last phase of cutting the umbilical cord. What the fuck am I doing in my hometown? There are no more familiar faces. Everything has changed and it just makes me feel old. I should be sitting in my apartment in LA watching people stuck at the airport, laughing at their pain.

That’s what I love to do. I mean, I love to help too. But when it’s on TV, I love to laugh.

Ellen starts crying about her dog and I just laugh and then scream at my TV. "THAT’S WHAT YOU GET, YA DUMB BITCH!" Which of course makes absolutely no sense at all. But that doesn’t stop me from yelling at her.

Ahhhhh…who gives a fuck.

None of it makes sense. It’s all fuckin stupid. So that’s why I don’t care. I really wanted to go out and get drunk tonight but no one called me back. Now I feel lonely. I wish this were being filmed so you could laugh at me. Cause it’s funny. Pain is funny, as long as you don’t care or it’s happening to someone else.

Whenever I watch reality shows and people are crying about something that hurt them, it always makes me laugh.

"THAT’S WHAT YOU GET! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR GIVING A FUCK, YOU WEIRD LOOKIN’ BASTARD!"

It’s not that I don’t have empathy. The empathy is the laughing. Actually I don’t know what it is. I’m not happy when bad things happen to people, but for some reason, I always laugh.

The first time I consciously noticed it, was when I went to go see that movie ’Slingblade’. The movie theater was packed and I was on a date. Everything was fine until the part where Dwight Yokam’s character grabbed that guy in the wheelchair and zoomed him out of his house. The whole theater got quiet, but I was fuckin’ roaring. At which point, everyone around me looked at me like I was a psycho.

And I wanted to be like, "I’m laughing cause I KNOW that dude. I grew up with a guy like that. I’ve been that guy getting zoomed out of the house." It still doesn’t make sense as to why it strikes me as funny. But I can’t help it.

Kids crying makes me laugh too. If I ever actually saw a kid drop his ice cream and start crying, I think I would have a hernia trying to hold the laughter in. I mean, I would still feel bad for him and buy the kid another ice cream, but I would still be laughing my ass off.

"Get used to kid. There’s going to be a lot more where that came from."

I’m old enough to have a 16 year old son.

I wish they still fought in the NHL. They should bring back the old divisions and get rid of all those bullshit southern teams. I wish it was 20 years ago, and I could get a case of Haffenreffers and head into the old Boston Garden and watch Jay Miller fight Chris Nilan. Those were the days. Cam would get a hat trick. The old Adams division.

Montreal
Boston
Quebec
Buffalo
Hartford.

You could fuckin’ drive to all the away games. Why didn’t I ever do that?

Now you go to a game and every time there is a stoppage of play, they got those fuckin’ 17 year old girls, in glitter cat suits, skating out onto the rink to clear off the excess shavings. I don’t know what they’re called, but I refer to them as ice whores. And I always heckle them.

"FOR CHRIST SAKE HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELVES!!!!!!!!! STAY IN SCHOOL!!!! STAY IN SCHOOOOOOLLLL!!!!!

When the ice whores are done, they always do the "beauty pageant wave" as they skate out of the rink. Most people cheer during that part, but I always boo. Some people give me dirty looks, but the ones who laugh….I see it in their eyes…

"That’s what you get…"

PT 4 NEXT THURSDAY